Cat Memo
To: The Cats
From: Your Mom ("Provider of All Good Things")
Subject: New Corporate Policy on the Use of Toileting
Facilities
Date: 17 Sep 2000
Ladies:
Please be advised of an upgrade to your toileting equipment.
There are now SIX litterboxes for the THREE of you. This
should relieve some of the crowding and decision making
problems associated with having ONLY FIVE boxes for THREE
cats available.
Although this new addition took place yesterday, apparently
at least one of you has not noticed. Please NOTICE the addition.
Take a moment to review previous corporate policy reminding
you that only APPROVED (by me) and DESIGNATED (by me) facilities
are to be used as toileting areas. Now that each of you
has two boxes available, this should put to rest some of
the past "difficulties" and enable you to more easily conduct
this important business while adhering to the following
standard guidelines:
* No one should assume that all filler in a litterbox will
be replaced each and every time a box is used. Sifting and
replenishing will be conducted upon my waking in the morning
and returning from work in the evening.
* Although you may choose your favorite boxes as "your
own" you are not to prohibit any of your "colleagues" from
using "your" facilities or in any way harass them while
they are using a box. On occasion, I may wish to use one
of the boxes myself and will expect full accommodation on
your part.
* We are transferring to pine litter. This is a done deal,
and now after a transition period of SIX MONTHS you are
expected to accept this as a fact of life. Those of you
(and you know who you are) who have been leaving various
"protest signs" in strategic locations, are to end this
immediately. This move to pine is because of your inconsiderate
use of the clumping litter to practice your bowling techniques
throughout the basement den. Also, our foray into the regular
clay litter meant you were coming to bed--in my bed--with
the clay sticking to every bit of your nose. Not only was
this unhygienic, it certainly did not give any of you the
appearance of an $800 cat. If you are thinking I'm doing
this as a vast Greenpeace conspiracy, get over it.
* When we go to shows, the sandbox is there to use as intended.
It is not there for you to take your naps in--that's what
the extremely expensive "Fuzzy Sack" is there for. Do not
wait to get home and make a mad dash for the boxes. When
you hold it in at the show, you look like you are going
to explode and your eyes start to cross. Worse yet, you
start to fart.
* To my Abyssinian: It is perfectly acceptable that you
twirl around at least five times in a box before furiously
digging a hole, but you are not required nor should you
feel compelled, to throw the litter ten feet in every direction.
It would also be preferable if you actually use that same
litter box where you've dug rather than jumping into a neighboring
box to actually do the deed and then not covering it up.
This style is not very becoming, nor does it make you look
terribly smart. Additionally, it does not score any bonus
points for your breed.
* To my Bengal: Simply making sure you've covered what
you've left is enough. You do NOT need to build pyramids.
While I realize there is a distant cultural and ethnic connection
here to that ancient Egyptian architectural style, now that
we have reached a new millennium, please allow the connection
to become more distant still. I would welcome you bringing
the height of your creations down to the more manageable
level of speed bumps.
* To my 15-year old full blooded Generic: Please do not
deposit your various mouse, cricket, or cicada victims in
the litter boxes. Killed or mangled bodies should merely
be left out on the utility room floor right by the door.
I promise they will be noticed and proper praise and acknowledgment
will be forthcoming. Trust me. Your efforts in regards to
an invitation a Teamster representative to visit this property
will be rejected outright. It didn't work for the Poodles
across the street, it ain't gonna fly here.
Sincerely,
Mom (I choose what kibble you get) Padilla
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