Doggy Dictionary
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling
you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white
bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch
in the living room.
DROOL: What you do when your persons have food and
you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as
you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor,
or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other
dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's
rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until
your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put
out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on
your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose.
If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers
to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented
for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit,
you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and
run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and
falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when
their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms
include staring blankly at the person, then running in the
opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming
to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms,
so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following
at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper,
envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn
over the basket and strew the papers all over the house
until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After
eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the
sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench
the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking
vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!",
especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.
Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention
when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when
the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially
effective when combined with The Sniff (see above).
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely
and without restriction. The best way you can show your
love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will
love you in return.
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