Real "Cats"
by Stu and Andi Ackerman 1999
"Cats" is the longest-running show on Broadway
to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the
lives and habits of America's most popular pet. Yet, even
with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't
seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline
companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to
do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats.
* Audience members would enter the auditorium
only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with
fur.
* The antagonist in the show would be a giant
vacuum cleaner.
* Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes
not - depending on their mood.
* Performers would leap off the stage and
run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener
in the lobby.
* When certain audience members opened their
playbills, a cast member would attempt to lie down on it.
* In the middle of a performance various cast
members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle
of a song.
* For no apparent reason, cast members would
randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at
top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.
* A special audience member would find a headless
bird in his/her seat after the intermission (interval).
* Snack bar employees would constantly be
reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.
* Open the stall door and guess who is drinking
from the toilet.
* Part of the performance would include the
cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.
* The stage would be stained from someone
coughing up a hairball and then eating it.
* Performers would find sand in the lobby
ashtrays and - well, we don't have to draw a picture here,
do we?
* The show would need to be stopped several
times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.
* Most of the final act would consist of the
cast just staring at the audience.
* The big finale would feature a giant ball
of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental
floss.
* Theater patrons waiting outside the stage
door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if
they were lucky.
* Cast members would never cash their paychecks,
just play with them.
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